It is great that you might be thinking about the possibility of weighing the idea of considering to give a thought to maybe deigning to acquiesce to decide to come to the Cubs and be our new General Manager in Charge of the Baseballs and Bats and Gum and the Hello Kitty Backpack. You do know, of course, that the Cubs AREN'T VERY GOOD. Surely everyone in the Boston media told you this, and the Chicago sports media will yell it loud enough so you can hear it in Boston, too. Some guy on the ESPNs already said the job is not "all that," which maybe means it has nothing to do with that movie from 1999 about the handsome, popular dude who takes the gawky, artsy girl and makes her (almost) Prom Queen. Of course, the gawky artsy girl was Rachael Leigh Cook, who was already smoking hot, she just has a bad hairdo and chunky glasses to start with in the movie.
So very ugly. AMIRITE, fellas?!?!11! (/cyber high-five)
Anyway, the Cubs are not that girl, not Lainey Boggs. (And as good-looking and Ivy-educated as you are, we don't want you to be Zack Siler, either.) Maybe that's what Mr. Internet Writer for the ESPNs means when he says the Cubs job isn't "all that." Or maybe he's just 20 years behind the times and needs to get out a little more. The Red Sox, though you wouldn't believe it by reading the New England sports media these days, are a really good organization that puts a good team on the field every year, and can compete in the toughest division in the Majors. The Cubs are...an organization. Ahem. They sometimes compete in the not-toughest division in the Majors, and occasionally put a good team on the field. More often than not in the last 300 years, though, they've lost. The Cubs are not smoking hot with a bad hairdo and chunky glasses. The Cubs need an overhaul in just about every on-field category that doesn't rhyme with "Marlin Astro."
I'm sure this is not news to you. You read the papers and watch the teevee like everybody else, so you know the Cubs haven't won a pennant since 1836, and haven't won a World Serious since 1595, back when Ponce de Leon discovered the Fountain of Youth in Boca Raton and named it Tropicana Field. (Nice going, Ponce. What a pile that thing is.)
Like Lainey Boggs, the Cubs have their distinct pleasures. You've been to Wrigley before. You know it's the best, even better than Fenway. (Get thee to LVBC when you sign, please!) Great neighborhood that absolutely vibrates with excitement on game days. Game nights are still few enough to be special. That whole "Way of Life" campaign, well, it's true for me. I've been living and dying with the Cubs since I was old enough to know what winning and losing was all about. (Although I took a HUGE step back after 2008, as did a few of us, I'd bet.) All we need is a winning ballclub, built to win from the ground up. But we can wait a while longer for a pennant, you know. Our discontent springs from the notion that ownership is more concerned with cornering the market on the neighborhood and building a mini-golf version of Versailles to surround the ballpark. Your track record says your stats-analysis savvy plus your payroll savvy plus your public-relations savvy will enable you to do this job better than Jim Hendry did. I hope you can come to terms with the owners' quirks, especially when it comes to spending their money. We just need to get it straight: The Cubs are not that girl.
Till then...
EAMUS CATULI
--Tom
Labels: Letters, Off-season Hijinx
